Depression impacts
17.5 million Americans, and two-thirds of the people with depression do not seek help. I was one of the two-thirds.
This is the most difficult piece I have ever written. I will likely not be participating or even looking at comments.
I never thought I would be here, in this place. I never thought a big strong guy like me could be felled by something like depression. Had I not had those thoughts I would have reached out for help much earlier than I did. I had been in a relationship with a woman who I thought was the love of my life. That all ended one day with a phone call. After two years together she ended it with me over the phone. To this day, I do not know why she ended it, nor do I know why she ended in the most hurtful way possible. Within a month of that I had to put my beloved dog, Duke, down, and I was unable to finish my thesis for my graduate degree on time, it took me an additional six months to plod through and finish, each day a painful reminder of the last.
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Over the next three years, I battled this on my own—lashing out at anyone who happened to say the wrong thing on the wrong day, sabotaging myself on dates and well, just being a general asshole to the world. I struggled to get out of bed in the morning, I struggled to fall asleep at night, the ghost of my former lover traipsing through my mind. The funny, happy guy I was had disappeared. Most folks would not have noticed. I was good at hiding the pain. I wore a mask, I hid it from everyone. I was ashamed. Many of you who know me in real life are probably surprised to hear this—that is how well I hid it. Or maybe you are not—maybe I was not as good at hiding as I thought I was.
Things I loved doing fell by the wayside, and writing, the one activity that gave me sanity, was something I struggled mightily to do. I have not written a short story in over three years, I used to write one a week. It has even been a struggle for me to write my weekly posts. At Netroots Nation in San Jose, Meteor Blades had mentioned to me that the number of diaries I had been writing had fallen off. I shrugged and lied and said I had been working on a project at work. To this day, I regret telling him that. I have always admired him and his writing, and I felt like I had let him down. Last summer I was a virtual shut-in in my home, not going outside unless I had to. I did not even plant a garden to make salsa with. I have had very little contact with my friends.
I told myself this January that I would not be the victim anymore, I deleted all the photos I had of her, I removed any reminders of her from my home. That all came crashing down when a friend let it slip that my ex was now living with the guy she started dating shortly after she ended it with me—and she was now less than two miles away from my home. I don't know why, but that information sent my world crashing down. I knew I needed to seek help.
If you are depressed, you do not have to handle it alone. In my mind, I was still that 21-year-old kid with the 101st Airborne Division, impervious to anything life could throw at me. I am not that kid anymore, and now I know that even he was not impervious to everything.
Some of the signs of depression are:
- Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
- Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
- Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
- Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
- Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
- Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
- Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
- Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
- Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
- Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.
I am getting through this, I will beat it, I have already made tremendous progress. Do not worry about me. However, if you are depressed, do not hide it, do not be ashamed of it. Seek out help. It is out there, and it is available. Do not let your depression go untreated.
If You Are Feeling Suicidal...
When you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, your problems don’t seem temporary—they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you reach out for help. If you are feeling suicidal, know that there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time, so please reach out for help!
Call 1-800-273-TALK in the U.S. or visit IASP or Suicide.org to find a helpline in your country.
If Someone You Love is Suicidal...
If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek professional help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life!